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July 11th, 2006

11:46 am - SORRY!
Sorry I haven't posted in a while...I'll start again, eventually!!

Forgive me....I'm trying to forgive myself!


P.S.  This last week and a half has been CRAZY dramatic....
Current Mood: okayokay

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July 7th, 2006

12:20 am - sad
Current Mood: sadsad

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July 5th, 2006

10:44 pm - The last two days
So I haven't updated for a couple days now, I think.  So I'll see if I can't fill ya'll in on what's happened!

I'm having difficulty remembering what went one the other day.  I do remember waking up thinking that I needed to stay awake because I had to call into work to find out if they needed me to come in...but I fell back asleep and woke up after I was supposed to call in, and called in...but they didn't need me to come in.  I think I played video games with my roommate after that...but all the days are kind of running together.  After that, I think it was mostly lounge around the house.  I ended up starting one of my favorite movies, "The Snow Queen."  But I stopped watching it once Theresa showed up.  They went to see "Cars," and I stayed home.  When they returned we went swimming in our pool!!  It was quite refreshing, but being I'm out of shape, I got tired quickly.

We came back, and I went to the grocery store.  I asked if Theresa and Ashley wanted to go with me but they both said no.  I spent only 16 dollars on my groceries, YEA!  I walk out into the parking lot and a car honks at me, and here it is Ashley and Theresa!  They decided to come and see if the liquor store was open.  Well it wasn't so, we ended up going into the store (again for me).  I spent 7 more dollars or so on more groceries.  And they bought a few things as well.

Once home, we played taboo, ate lots of food and I talked with Josh.  Josh then decided to come to St. Cloud.  WOOOHOOO!!!  So I stayed up playing Tetris, and Josh got to St. Cloud around 2:30 - 3:00.  It was joyous!!  I was so glad to see him, cause I felt like I hadn't seen him for 3 weeks ...  And he is SO FUCKING hott with his black hair, I don't give a flying fuck about what other people say!!!  And his eyes, are so beautiful I sometimes get lost in them ......... hell not sometimes, most of the time.  That and I love the way he touches me, it feels so good.  *sigh* I'm so smitten.

Because I don't feel like going into great detail at this time, I'm going to sum up my fourth in a few statements.

1.  I woke up and went to work.  Working from 11 - 2.
2.  Came home to my beautiful boyfriend and it got X-rated.
3.  We went back into Bath & Body Works so some of my co-workers could meet Josh, and so I could get more wallflowers.
4.  We (Josh and I) went to Clements and Munsinger Gardens, walked around all couple like.  Sat in Lara and my "boyfriend" bench, and it was lovely.
5.  Went to see the firework display in St. Cloud ... gosh, getting there was stressful and made me VERY pissed!
6.  Played Skip-bo with Josh and Ashley, and ate a whole bag of Tostitos.
7.  The rest is also X-rated.

All in all, it was one of the best 4th of July's I've ever had.  THANK YOU HUNNY!!!!!  *mwah*!

I'm done.  I'm tired.



P.S.  I'm going to Bea's tomorrow for REIKI!!!  And I'll update about today and tomorrow, tomorrow.
Current Location: My room - University Village Townhomes
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: none

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July 3rd, 2006

11:01 am - July 2nd
So yesturday was QUITE the day...

It started out peaceful and quiet, I got up around late 8ish : 9 o'cockish.  I played video games until Ashley got up.  She made chocolate chip pancakes and bacon, which I had some of the pancakes but made my own scrumptious bacon!   YEA!!  And I smogged up the whole downstairs with bacon smog, it was great!  Then after breakfast, I believe I came up stairs and was on the computer and Ashley eventually left for her friend Theresa's (who was here the other night).  Later I went to play my, what I had planned out to be, long day of video games.  However, I noticed that Cindy had called me so I called her back because I knew that she was calling about what we were going to do for Megan's birthday celebration!  Of which her birthday is today, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN!!

Anyway, I invited Cindy and Megan over and I would make them dinner and we'd play board games and what ever else!  So, they showed up sometime after 5 o'clock and I preceeded to figure out what the HELL I was going to make.  I ended up making very tastey burgers, creamy onion and chive scalloped potatoes and peas!  It was SO yummy!  We had a candle light dinner and we eat every last bit.  After chatting for a while we cleaned everything up, put all the dishes in the dishwasher and went to find a board game to play.  We played a game of Skip-bo which Cindy won.  I decided that I wanted to play Mario Party so we all gathered around the TV for some rousing fun!  After our first game, we found out that Daisy is a vindictive bitch who gets ALL of the stars needed to win by simply being so crafty and getting butt-loads of coins!  I had to shut it of during the game, because I was getting so irritated and my fuse was getting shorter and shorter.  

We went up to my room.  Megan and I (Cindy a lil' bit too) cleaned up the rest of the stuff that's been lying on my floor since I moved in and got it all put away!!  Now my room has LOTS of clean floor, I LOVE IT!  Once we were done with that, we let Cindy take a nap on my luxurious bed, because we were going to go out to Applebees so that Megan could get her first drink of her being 21.  After I was done getting ready, I realized that it was Sunday and Applebees closes at 11 p.m.  It was 10:54.  I called applebees, they were indeed closed.  We also found out that T.G.I. Fridays, is lame too closing at 11 p.m., along with Space Aliens.  Our last hope was Old Chicago, closing at 12 a.m.

So we quickly raced out to Old Chicago, only to find all the doors locked, and people inside ... so not cool.  The guy working the hotel desk that night (who was VERY hot, with his lip ring right in the middle of his lips ... oh and Old Chicago is attatched to a hotel if you hadn't gathered already!), told us where we might be able to get some alcohol this late at some place OTHER than a bar.

As we were walking back to my car, I randomly stated, "We wouldn't be HAVING this problem if we were in the cities ... ... ... I guess we could always GO to the cities."

At which Megan asks, "REALLY!?!?!?!"  I inquire..."Do you really want to go all the way to the cities ... I will if you want to?"

So we RUSHED back to their house, so they could get more appropriate, collect a few things for the trip ... called my Joshy to give him the startling news of our future arival, and we were off at blinding speeds of 80 mph.  I think I went a little faster than that...cause I've never gotten to the cities in just over 40 min.  We managed to find our way to the Saloon with the patient help of my boyfriend with me, slightly yelling in the phone as I was frustrated and stressed out by all the LANES, and ONE WAYS, and TRAFFIC.  Which would have been nothing, had I not been on the phone trying to find a place I didn't have directions to, having two other people talking to me in the car ... and bright lights every where!  lol.  But we eventually found it.  I had previously told Megan, "There are bouncers at the door, who check your I.D. and give you a wrist band."  "We aren't going to say ANYTHING about your birthday, we will just hand them your card and they'll give you a wrist band."  "If they don't, we'll say something and hope they'll just give it to you!"  Luckily, she had a license with the "Under 20" notice removed, which made it even more likely she'd get a wrist band.  You see the reason we were a little concerned is because MN has this law against drinking after the stroke of midnight of your bithday, because of all the people who have died from their "power hour."  The law prohibits anyone from getting A drink (at least that's what everyone sas, I don't know the actual specifics of the law), which is stupid, because they are simply trying to prevent people from drinking 21 shots in one hour, no?!?!  So why don't they just not sell someone more than one or two drinks on their 21st?  Anyway, we were a little worried, mainly because of how far we had driven, just to be turned down.

Well, it went like this...we came up to the bouncers and they didn't even flinch at her ID and gave her a wrist band!!!!  WOOOHOOO, now she was home free!  Although she did say the guy smiled at her, so maybe he realized what was going on!  Not that we were doing anything bad, just that it was her birthday.

So, we bolted off to the bar, calmly of course, and got Megan her first drink.  A long island iced tea.  We didn't realize that gay bars tend to ... OMG, I forgot to tell you that we went to the Saloon, TEE HEE...my bad, hopefully you weren't screaming at me to tell you ... lol!  Anyway, we didn't realize taht gay bars tend to make their drinks REALLY strong ... which my boyfriend later informed us of.  And I think I know why they make them so strong, *giggles.*

Eventually we got kicked out of that part of the bar, as it was closing and we went out to the dance floor where the "shower" is.  There was a REALLY hott naked man dancing in there for the ameture shower dancing contest.  He was fucking hott!  MMMMmmmm.  Josh thought he was good looking too.  But I let Josh know how much I prefered him over the other guy.  If he didn't get the picture, I appologize to you honey, just let me know and I'll demonstrate for you the next time I see you *wink wink.*  Megan and I went out onto the dance floor and danced all kinky-like...which I think Josh liked a lot, cause he was all over me when I came back over later.  Sadly, I couldn't get him to come out and dance with me, oh well...  We watched the last shower competitor, who won ... he was REALLY hott, and had a beautiful body.  Nothing compared to Josh's beauty though ... *blush.*

Once that was all over, we left with my quite drunk Megan friend, and decided to go to "gay" perkins.  We got directions and went.  I ended up fondling, groping, and kissing Josh's ears and cheek like the whole time I was there, even while eating my food ... much to the distaste of Josh at the food part.  My supposed to be "well-done" burger was FUCKING pink in the middle...it was SOOO gross...but I was hungry so I ate it.  MY perkins NEVER has pink hamburgers when I ask for it well done ... MY perkins also never cons me on my breakfast potatoes and gives me a huge fucking amount where as this one gave me hardly any ... :(.

Later we left, and I accidentally opened the door on Megan's foot, which REALLY hurt her ... :(  to which I appologized for both then and later!  I'M SORRY AGAIN!!  We followed my boy to 94 and departed ways...as he called me and made his parting words known and told me to call him when I get home...which I did ^_^.  

The drive home seemed MUCH longer and we got back home at 5:10.  I crawled into bed at 5:15/6 a.m. this morning.  And slept very well as the really big thunderstorm had started and raged on.

So that was my exciting adventure!!!  Hope ya'll enjoyed it as much as we did!  Please leave your comments, I love hearing from ya'll!


P.S.  Never be all over your boyfriend in front of straight boys who seem to have never seen that before ... because it makes one interested but act like he's grossed out, and the other really cute one turn so he can stare at you the whole time.  Or actually ... maybe you should ALWAYS do that when you have the opportunity!!!  OH, Josh, you are wonderful!!  *mwah*!
Current Location: University Village Townhomes
Current Mood: refreshedrefreshed
Current Music: none

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July 2nd, 2006

12:29 pm - WHAT THE HELL!


The lame reason for doing so, is because he hadn't taken his friend for a ride in his black firebird yet ... so this justifies going 120 mi/hr!  Goddammit why in the hell can't he understand that it doesn't matter if he's a good driver or not.  You can KILL people driving that fast, whether or not you actually crash into someone.  Not only that, but you can kill yourself!  Goddammit, what if someone had been driving near him, and all of a sudden he comes up behind them whipping around them, and the other driver in confusion, since it's so late at night, loses control of the car and crashes into someone else or drives off the road?!?!  He would be in a whole WORLD of trouble if he killed someone by speeding.  And I'd be in a whole world of pain if he ever hurt himself or someone else or worse while driving.

I wish he'd understand why it upsets me so much when he needlessly speeds!  I wish he'd not only understand, but react to it and change the behavoir!

I want him to be safe and healthy.  I want him to make wiser choices.  Yet, I can't change him ... and what I want for him may not be what he needs.  Regardless, it still doesn't change how I feel about the situation.

Does anyone agree with me?  Or am I flying off the handle for no good reason?  ~Because granted, he is driving slower now that he's met me.  And he's only REALLY sped this one time since me telling him he should think about slowing down.  But it only takes ONE time to ruin your life!.

Let me know what you think.  That includes you too Josh.


P.S.  Even though I'm mad at you hunny.  I still feel so much for you it makes my head spin.  If anything, keep in mind that when I'm angry with you ... I still feel how much I care for you just as strong as my anger may be.  Perhaps one day ... I'll stop being so angry.

Current Mood: pissed offpissed off

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01:20 am

Today (Saturday) was an okay day!

This morning, I gave my roommates (Alex and Ashely) massages, which they both appreciated greatly!  I put on the relaxing music, and use my massage table and oils!  It was great fun.  After I was done with them both, Ashely gave me an amazing massage which I'm so thankful for!

I worked from 1 - 4 which was nice, and I came home to find that everyone was gone!  But Ashely soon came back and informed me that we were going to have company.  So we did a quick power cleaning of the house, making it look all beautiful and our guests finally arrived.  One of her friends, Jeremy, was really fine!  He had a hott ass and I just wanted to grab it!  But that's all he was, eye candy...nothing like my wonderful boyfriend! 

Jeremy and his roommate eventually left, and it was just Ashley, Theresa and me.  We ended up playing yatzee, which I sucked at majorly.  After yatzee we played four games of skip-bo!  I tell ya, it was pretty intense.  I ended up winning at the very end by 5 points, which is cool.  It was a LOT of fun to play board games with other people than yourself.

I got a little pissed a Josh today, cause he was so terrible at calling me back when he said he would.  I called him while he was just leaving from the store where he was getting some candy for Loren and he said that he would let me go because he was about to drive.  Which I can understand.  He said he would call me when he got to the house.  Close to 2 hours passed and he hadn't called me!  Of course he had a whole string of excuses, which are never really valid in any situation but people still make them.  But if that wasn't bad enough, he went and did it a second time when I said I'd let him go so he can finish grooming and such which he proceeded to tell me he'd call me back after he was done.  Nearly 2 hours or so passed again, no call!  Grrrr!  But I talked with him again, he of course had more excuses ... making me a little more irritated and eventually I got over it and called him back to appologize and tell him that I wasn't angry at him anymore and that I wished he were here in St. Cloud with me or that I was with him.  I miss him so dearly.  I just want to touch him and hold him in my arms........................

With that, I'm going to bed.  If there is anyone reading this, please leave a comment and let me know you're there.  Otherwise I'll just keep talking to the cyber walls of LJ!


P.S.  It was REALLY hot today again!

Current Location: University Village Townhomes
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: none

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June 30th, 2006

11:52 pm - ...

What a day.  It kinda sucked.

My tongue has hurt SOOOO bad, I have like 5 canker sores on it right now, and I dunno where they came from...maybe I ate something that I'm allergic to, who knows!?!  All I know is that I want to get RID of them, and have my tongue back into proper working order.

I finally worked today, and they didn't cancel my shift!  They did let me go home an hour early, but they still used my call-in, w00t!  I hope that I'll be able to get the hours that I'm scheduled for, because I have SO much to pay for.

I miss Josh.  I talked to him just a few min. ago and earlier today, but it's just not the same as seeing him.

I'm not sure what else I need to say, other than it is blasted hot in here today, and it is the FIRST time it has actually been hot in this townhome since I moved in June 1st, which is REALLY saying something.  I don't think the heat really does much to these townhomes as much as the humidity does.  I think that if the humidity is high, then it's going to SUCK butt in here, and not in a good way!

Anyway, I need to go to bed, cause that's what I told Josh I was doing and by gully I'm not going to make a liar out of myself.



P.S.  I turned my application into Corborn's tonight, I HOPE they call me!

Current Location: in my townhome.
Current Mood: hot& Tired
Current Music: none

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01:55 am - Yes. I'm still alive.
Okay, so.  I haven't updated in WAY too long.  The main reason for that is that I simply have quite the issue with sticking to something that I don't particularly enjoy, i.e. Livejournal updates.

Yet, I really would love to have a good record of my life as it progresses for me to look back upon and see how I've changed over the years, and to relive different experiences that I went through (am going through) in life.  So here is my yet another attempt at daily updates.  Let's see how long it goes this time, eh?!

Currently I am seeing a very special man.  He is young, yes, a green 20.  He's both very immature and mature.  But who isn't at this point in their life?  I guess I've always thought of myself as mature beyond my years, and for the most part, I am.  But there are a few key areas in which I am probably one of the most immature people I know.  Anyway, I digress.  Josh is wonderful and beautiful, smart and kind.  He cannot tell a lie, of which I am in utmost admiration.  He drives a really fast car, in which I scold him for driving too fast!!  It's never felt so natural to be in a relationship with someone before, and it's something that I am enjoying.  I hope to be with him for as long as we can.

A lot of things have changed for me since my last dark and deep entry.  Reiki has really been a saving grace more times than one.  I'm still going to Reiki clinic regularly, which is really helping my ability to help people heal themselves, and to teach others how to use Reiki for themselves and those around them.  There have been a lot of remarkable happenings at Reiki clinic that have really opened a doorway for me into the possibilities Reiki holds for me.  Bea has offered to do an exchange session with me sometime, and I really need to contact her and set up a time so that I can get some much needed Reiki!  I've also taken on my first student, something I should have done a long time ago, instead of waiting to be able to teach a "class" of more than one student, cause finding the space and time for that was improbable at this time in my life.  She is doing a little better than I had thought!  I knew that she would be VERY perceptive to energy, and very good at channeling.  But I didn't eexpcet that it would happen so smoothly on her first try!  Her healing energy is so calm and soothing, it is really nice and refreshing.  She'll be ready for her attunement in no time, and then she can begin practicing Reiki!  And that will be very exciting indeed.  
On a related note to Reiki, I contacted Jessalyn about receiving my final attunement in Oshune Reiki.  She promptly gave me times that she has available, and I then sent her an e-mail telling her the time that works for me...but also letting her know about my financial situation at this time, and that I won't be able to pay the full amount on July 12th.  So we'll see what her response is to that.  I really hope that she'll still give me the attunement regardless, so that I can be completed in Oshune!

Bath & Body Works has become a headache.  We are not making plan and therefore lots of labor hours are being lost, and my shift has been cut the last 3 days in a row!  This is VERY VERY bad, because without the income I have NO way of paying for Rent (which I'm still ahead on), electricity, internet, and my medical bills that are still left over.  Plus I have my short term loan to pay back in August,  AH!!!  I have NO idea what I'm going to do!  I guess I could send my aunt an e-mail, she said that she wants me to e-mail her if I ever get into a financial pinch, and that's what I'm in right now!  So, if worse comes to worse, I'll probably be sending her a little message.  But I need to find another job, that's more reliable and steady, so I'm putting in an application at Coborn's.  Grocery stores are very reliable jobs, and I REALLY hope that they will hire me, because I don't think they are really "hiring," but you never know, perhaps I'll get lucky!  I really love working in a grocery store, and I've done it for two years, so perhaps they will take that into consideration and maybe that will help me get the job!  Let's all keep our fingers crossed!

Personal stuff?  Well, I'm having a little trouble with irritation, frustration and anger right now.  But I'm at least expressing them more than I used to, so I think that's a big step for me.  So I think now the next thing to work with is to release as much of that as I can.  Now, I don't want to rid myself of the feelings, because I can certainly use them to my advantage, I just need to be able to be free of them when I'm around certain people, namely my boyfriend.  Also my health is still a little shakey, but I think we are getting that back into order.

I feel like this is where I will stop for this evening.  I always get so long winded on these things, and Josh is probably not appreciating the length of these entries right now as he reads through them per my request.  I will make all the efforts in my power to update tomorrow night and the next and the next. etc.  I really need and want to make this a daily routine!

Thank you all for reading!


P.S.  Thank you Josh for being so wonderful, even when you're not.
Current Location: My townhome in St. Cloud
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: none

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November 19th, 2005

11:35 pm - Where I am now...now am I where?
Reading past entries, I can see the youthful spark I've always maintained and still am. But descent into darkness has commenced and is well progressed. I'm not sure what is going on and I am completely certain of what is happening: hence my dilhema. I am more often than not, eveloped within a cool darkness which heats my inner frustration. I'd like to say I've matured vastly, although as much as I'd like to and have matured, I'm still not realized.

It's an endless battle that I must enjoy, or I would not currently be raging war against myself. I long for the upliftedness of enlightenment and I yern to be intimately connected to me as SOUL, yet these must not be enough or simply require another ingredient for the water to boil and evaporate.

I feel like too many people care and not enough/no one cares.

I feel like I care too much; I feel like I don't care at all.

Can I justly and truly take pride in my decisiveness? Surely, my great indecision is apparent!

When the moods are so deciduous as to never allow me certainty in the nature of my mood...where lies the decision?

Yet as I sit here writing, I doubt whether or not I write because of what I'm feeling or writing to impress people by making myself sound intelligent, wise, and hurt.

How do I know if I'm really intelligent? How do I know that I can be wise sometimes? How do I know I'm really hurt for the right reasons?

What if it's all just a lie? What if it's all just not true?

I hate that thought...the thought of falsehood. Yet I lie on far too many occasion. I don't like it when people misunderstand me, or think of me in a way I know is not true or a way that I really wish they didn't think of me as! But if this is so true...why do I stretch the truth about myself? Why do I give anyone reason to think otherwise? What do I really want?

What I really want is: To know what is my truth. To know what voices are true and who I am! I am not so completely lost. I know right where I am and where I am currently going. I know I know. And yet...there is someting that ever remains... Something deeply burried but not deep enough. Never can it be deep enough, it must be resolved. But what is "it?"

Do I know what "it" is? Yes. Do I know what "it" is? No.

See the frustration?

Not onl that, but the fact that no one will even read this, nor care enough and/or choose to give some type of support or critism. While support is preferred, critisism shows that someone still cares.

Where can I go from here? I want to heal people and the world...but how can I heal when I'm so wounded and diseased (as) myself?

Help! I've asked so many times. Mostly undeservedly, which is never true, yet I can still feel undeserved of help. And I do.

Help. Please.

The world does not and will not stop for me, but time stands still when I am lost.

GRRR!!! I was just talking to someone and they were asking me "what's up" when I mentioned I'm feeling down. And I thought, "Maybe if I send him a link to this entry, he'll think that I'm really deep and want to be in a relationship with me."

Sad...I know.

Goodnight everyone. Thanks for listening.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed

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July 15th, 2005

10:24 pm - Another Dream
Here's another dream!

August 3rd, 2004 End 4:35 ish

I don't recall much before this, but I managed to get to a parking lot...and I am at the bowling alley [old menomin lanes] (outside it). However, it's not the bowling alley anymore, inside is some kind of restaurant that was closed down. It's sort of “Perkins” like or country kitchen like. The name is like “Poc” or “Por” or “Pop” or something like that. I look inside, but see no one there, it also reminds me of a movie theatre/restaurant Soon three kids about my age come out of the restaurant/theater which is SUPPOSED to be closed, yet is somehow open and they have popcorn! I don't know if they noticed me there right away or not, but it wasn't long before, what seemed (felt) like, the leader of the three noticed me. She started freaking out, she said something like...”What if he's the master?” I can't remember if master is the right word or not, but it was similar. She kept listing off similarities between me and her (their) “Master.” She said something to the effect of, “It MUST be him!” So she and the others went to their vehicle...I think they got a video camera and the “Leader” and/or the other girl (I can't remember which it was), began talking to me like I was some kind of child or animal. This whole time I had been standing in front of the window of the restaurant/theatre and was doing my laundry (of all things to be doing outside a restaurant/theatre!). I was messing around with this container of oxyclean that was all wet on the inside, but just the on top. One of the girls came over to me and kept trying to persuade me to come over to their vehicle, I had refused to speak at all in order to maintain the mysteriousness of the supposed “master”and I now remember that while they were talking to me earlier, I believe it was the guy, who said, “What if he can hear us talking about him?” “Maybe we should just leave him alone?” And that was all I heard from him, I think. What a sweet guy, treating me like a “normal” person, while still realizing that I am/could be special in some other way (as in their “master”). One of the girls said something like, “Who cares?” “He's not saying anything!”

Later, after they were still trying to get me to talk, I had to go to my car for something. Then I noticed that the tire on my mom's car (the car I guess I had driven) had MAJOR issues with one of the rear tires. And I noticed that it had a compartment in side of it (of ALL places, LOL!) and it was empty, except for one cable. It had, HAD my video camera in it, and then I noticed the care had been robbed and as I looked around the ca to see my mom's purse sitting in the grass open, I said, “Sorry, Mom...” I looked the car over and it had been picked over totally! I said something to the “leader” like, “I've been robbed!!”

And I think that is near to where this dream ended!

Comments? Insights? Babbles? REPLY!

Current Mood: tiredtired

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