November 19th, 2005
|11:35 pm - Where I am now...now am I where?|
Reading past entries, I can see the youthful spark I've always maintained and still am. But descent into darkness has commenced and is well progressed. I'm not sure what is going on and I am completely certain of what is happening: hence my dilhema. I am more often than not, eveloped within a cool darkness which heats my inner frustration. I'd like to say I've matured vastly, although as much as I'd like to and have matured, I'm still not realized.
It's an endless battle that I must enjoy, or I would not currently be raging war against myself. I long for the upliftedness of enlightenment and I yern to be intimately connected to me as SOUL, yet these must not be enough or simply require another ingredient for the water to boil and evaporate.
I feel like too many people care and not enough/no one cares.
I feel like I care too much; I feel like I don't care at all.
Can I justly and truly take pride in my decisiveness? Surely, my great indecision is apparent!
When the moods are so deciduous as to never allow me certainty in the nature of my mood...where lies the decision?
Yet as I sit here writing, I doubt whether or not I write because of what I'm feeling or writing to impress people by making myself sound intelligent, wise, and hurt.
How do I know if I'm really intelligent? How do I know that I can be wise sometimes? How do I know I'm really hurt for the right reasons?
What if it's all just a lie? What if it's all just not true?
I hate that thought...the thought of falsehood. Yet I lie on far too many occasion. I don't like it when people misunderstand me, or think of me in a way I know is not true or a way that I really wish they didn't think of me as! But if this is so true...why do I stretch the truth about myself? Why do I give anyone reason to think otherwise? What do I really want?
What I really want is: To know what is my truth. To know what voices are true and who I am! I am not so completely lost. I know right where I am and where I am currently going. I know I know. And yet...there is someting that ever remains... Something deeply burried but not deep enough. Never can it be deep enough, it must be resolved. But what is "it?"
Do I know what "it" is? Yes. Do I know what "it" is? No.
See the frustration?
Not onl that, but the fact that no one will even read this, nor care enough and/or choose to give some type of support or critism. While support is preferred, critisism shows that someone still cares.
Where can I go from here? I want to heal people and the world...but how can I heal when I'm so wounded and diseased (as) myself?
Help! I've asked so many times. Mostly undeservedly, which is never true, yet I can still feel undeserved of help. And I do.
The world does not and will not stop for me, but time stands still when I am lost.
GRRR!!! I was just talking to someone and they were asking me "what's up" when I mentioned I'm feeling down. And I thought, "Maybe if I send him a link to this entry, he'll think that I'm really deep and want to be in a relationship with me."
Goodnight everyone. Thanks for listening.
Current Mood: depressed
*Hugs* I hope your feeling better. I can tell you honestly that people care about you. I do, and I know at least one of your aunts does. I was told to tell you that the aunt that works at the bank says that if you ever wanna stay there they've got a place for you.
SC, as much as we ALL love and respect you, sometimes it is hard to help when we have NO idea what has been going on in your life for the last 4 months. No one's fault - I have not been any better at keeping in contact than you, but my advice would start at the core of the confusion, and I don't know where that is.